3:36:00 AM
-----------» music of the mind : whitney houston - the greatest love of all
Today was awful... I woke up at 4 pm (went to sleep at 6 am yesterday), posted that long entry below, went to someone's birthday (2 girls from an Indonesian family here), met a lot of people there, chatted, had dinner, went home around 10 pm. I thought meeting people would cheer me up, but no.... my feeling was totally shattered. I didn't talk much at the gathering, tried to wear the best mask I could show, hoping that no one would notice. I was breaking inside, deeper & deeper.. especially when someone played "The Greatest Love of All" on the piano ;_; Yes, that's my ultimate problem... that no one but myself can help. "Learning to love yourself," so said the song. How... ? *_* I sound really vain, don't I? Maybe people would see me as "low" and "vain" for not being able to love myself. I don't care anymore. Anyone can see me whichever they please, it's not gonna be any worse anyway...

I then talked to Billy for 2 hours online... I feel better. Thanks so much for cheering me up, Billy ^_^ Here are some excerpts from our conversation...

Billy: =) I envy you for being who you are at this point... and you shall be proud of yourself... just do what your heart tells you regardless of what people say...
Elyse: ...and what my heart tells me to do always ends up of my being hated by people... beautiful, isn't it? *bitter laughs*
Billy: friends do come and go... true friends stay forever
Elyse: even if I only have 1 friend and the whole world hates me

The rest is an inside joke, so I don't feel that's necessary ^^;;;
Well... people say "Be yourself". I've done that. I never pretend to be one who is not myself, I'm not a fake and I hate hypocrisy. But, being myself ends up of my being hated... ._. I'm confused.... *_* I wish there was an answer right now in front of me, but that's not the way life goes, is it? -_-
Mmm, I'm not going to dwell on it too much.. I'm too tired to even think of it anymore. Hopefully everything will be better after I sleep *sighs* Maybe it's all because of my unstable emotion due to my biggest monthly enemy ^^;;;; I believe I might be depressed, too, if this happened while I wasn't in the monthly cycle, but it should be much less. Ah, never mind... *shoo it away from her mind*

I decided to be *somewhat* diligent and made some buttons for this blog ^^ They're at the very bottom of the menu on the right part. I used my previous layouts for this blog. That way I can be "reminded" of the layouts ^_^ I'm thinking of making a layout archive, too. Maybe tomorrow. I'm mentally tired right now.... nyanya...

"I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow. If I fail, if I succeed, at least I live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity..... Because the greatest love of all is happening to me. I found the greatest love of all inside of me. The greatest love of all is easy to achieve... Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all... And if by chance that a special place that you've been dreaming of leads to a lonely place.... find your strength in love."