4:17:00 AM
-----------» music of the mind : astrud gilberto - the girl in ipanema
Kate has finally gotten her blog up! I checked a couple of times a day since Friday to see whether it had been up yet =P Now I can peek inside her everyday life *lol* I finally got to talk to Alexa for a few hours today *is happy* I haven't talked to her much lately, blame it to the timezones.. yes I hate timezones -_-
I'm feeling fine today, thank goodness. I had a group meeting and I ended up not doing anything because my group mates didn't give me any task to do and I felt really bad for that. I could never ask because I was fully aware of my thick accent while speaking English and I was afraid my group mates wouldn't understand my trying to get my opinion across ^_x I'm too conscious for that, it's not good. I might end up being all shy and afraid to say something (in English =P) in the future. I have to get used to it soon.

-----------» music of the mind : boyzone - shooting star
You know, something amazingly beautiful happened to me. I was in a deep frustrated situation yesterday that I couldn't think of anything except pitying myself and felt so sure that the whole world hated me, which was of course only an exaggeration ^^;; So I let myself dwell on the problem and forget that I must accept myself the way I am and try to love myself because I believe everyone is unique. I'm not saying that my problem was silly or not worth dwelling in for.. God knows how hard it has been for me all of my life....
I and Alexa had a discussion about the "real person" within us and that people were supposed to hate us because of our bad characteristics. Want to know the "real lisette"? *lol* Here goes...

I am sarcastic, cynical, too sensitive sometimes, too cold at other times =P I'm moody, and if I'm in one of my bad moods, I easily get ticked off. I'm easily hurt and I worry a lot. I get paranoid too much, especially from people I'm close to. I worry about what they think of me. I get easily upset if they criticize me, although it's for my own good ^_~ I don't really care about people in general, but I care a lot for my friends and family. I may be too strong or tough for men to handle, somewhat too independent for them. I'm torn: I sometimes have very low confidence, but at other times I'm high above the sky. I have high pride, I never kiss ass (at least I never try to -_-), sometimes I have big ego, sometimes I give in to everyone. I'm fair, considerate, a good listener. But if I don't like someone, I can be very mean & snobbish ^^;; I hate hypocrisy & I always try to be honest to myself & other people. I'm too sentimental (especially over music ._.), sometimes passive. I can't be aggresive... I'm boring, I can't make a joke at all =P Most of the time, I see the bottle half-empty and when I fall, I fall hard. I always miss the time when I was so full of life... :_: I feel the best at those times. But why am I telling all of you strangers out there (except some people who are friends of mine) all those characteristics of mine? Arghhh.. Now everyone knows the "real me" :_: Do you hate me now, knowing that I'm not a good person after all? *tilts head*

Well I have gone beyond the point. What I was trying to say earlier was: something very good happened to me just before. Remember the "forgiveness" rant I wrote 2 weeks ago? Well, someone emailed me.. basically she was having problems herself and my words helped her change her perspective towards her problems and now her situation's getting better. She thanked me for writing those words... :_: I feel loved *sobs* I really do. That was like a sunshine in a cloudy day. I couldn't help smiling until right now.. Being able to help someone in distress is the best thing I've ever felt. You see, it's like a circle... her email struck me that instant. I was reminded of something I wrote myself... yes, I was reminded to forgive... In this situation, forgiving myself for being low & vain, forgiving the people that detest me, forgiving all the past situations that I couldn't quite get over with and am still reminded of how painful it was being disliked. I wonder why I shut my eyes to the word "forgiving" before. I did remember that, but I shoo it away from my mind... I think the deeper pain you get, the longer you want to dwell on it unconsciously. Maybe because it strikes the heart very deep that one can't get it over with quickly. The heart needs longer time to heal and one refuses to hear to the word "forgive" and decides that no one (or nothing) can help one. I've had my shares over & over again... I know I've often thought of my problems to be the biggest of them all & no one could ever help me.

All in all, I really want to thank you, who sent me the email (you know who you are ^_^)... If my words have helped you once, you have also helped me once, too, somewhat in a perfect time because you reminded me of my own words ^_~ We help each other, don't we? *laughs* That's what I like about healthy life... people helping each other. Mmm and yes, I'm not a perfect human being after all. I can write such words while I also forget about it altogether when I'm faced with a problem myself *lmao* Anyhow, thank you for all of you, who have supported me through my cloudy days. I'm sorry I have been really annoying with that *laughs*

"No one seems to think too much of me here and they're glad to tell it to my face. And they're right I'm not supposed to be here, I'm completely out of place. Somehow there has got to be a reason... Evenings as I try to think it through... there's a bolt from the blue...
And I see a shooting star sets apart from all the rest... While the other stars are standing still, he's on a quest. Every night this shooting star darts across the twilight sky, cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in and he's longing to know why....
I feel so much better when it's night time, that's when I can sort of disappear. When the sun has set and it's the right time for pretending I'm not here. Sometimes I just stare up to the heavens, wondering if the answer is inside. That's when I see the light....
Of myself that shooting star on his way to who knows where. He's the one like all the stars, he outshines up there. And that solitary star is an awful lot like me. On an endless search through time and space for a place that won't seem wrong....
If we both hang on for long enough, if we both somehow are strong enough.... We'll find out where we belong....."